STUDY -- FORGIVENESS

Giving
and Receiving
Forgiveness!

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• Does forgiveness take time?

• Do I need to confront the person who harmed me?

• Should I forgive someone who does not seek my forgiveness?

• How can I forgive myself for the things I have done?

• The thoughts of what happened still plague me. Can I
ever get them out of my mind?

• Can I forgive someone when I don’t feel like forgiving?

• Does forgiveness mean I must resume a relationship with the
person who caused me such heartache?

• Is there such a thing as forgiving God?

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Notes for a series of messages by Dr. Edward Watke Jr.
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Summer, 1999


Riverview Baptist Church
Pastor Shahn Wilburn
Ripplemead, VA

Forgiveness seems very hard for some people to ever give or
to ask for. Christians possible have as much difficulty practicing
giving forgiveness as many unsaved.
We will find among many things, that forgiveness is an act
of the will. It goes far beyond merely having some good feelings
or sentiments toward someone, and it is far more that play acting
that everything is fine. Forgiveness costs something. It always
necessitates an act of the will... a change in action... and a change
in attitude. It is my prayer that the Holy Spirit will take the
study of the Word of God in this grand subject and help you to
apply it to your own life.

Table of Contents

The Dangers of Unforgiveness. . . pg. 3

When Your Heart Screams, “I can’t forgive!”. . . pg. 6

Misconceptions About Biblical Forgiveness. . . pg. 11

More Misconceptions About Forgiveness. . . pg. 15

The Essentials of True Forgiveness. . . pg. 18

Self-condemnation or Personal Forgiveness? . . . pg. 22

When Does Loved Confront? . . .pg.27

Maintaining a Forgiving Heart . . .pg. 31

The Realities of Reconciliation. . . pg. 34

• God will never make you forgive anyone who has hurt you.
• You can decide not to forgive if you want to. but before you do, you’d better know what you’re getting yourself into.
• Because if you fail to forgive those who offend you, you are only hurting yourself seriously.
• Before we define and describe genuine forgiveness and many aspects about forgiveness - - - we need to discuss the problems associated with our occasional unwillingness to forgive.

Maybe you feel -- “It is justice that I need and that is what I will have!”

• Maybe you could say, “I have a problem. It’s not that I can’t forgive him. I just don’t want to forgive him. I know that God has forgiven me, and the person who hurt me. So why do I have to turn around and forgive him?”
• You have been hurt and you are putting your foot down. You’re not going to give the other person the satisfaction of your forgiving him. Justice -- that’s what he needs, you feel. And since you’re the one who got hurt, you feel you’re the one to bring down the gavel.


I. WHAT IF YOU DO NOT FORGIVE?
You are buying trouble . . . all kinds of personal inner heart trouble.

A. Unforgiveness imprisons you in your past.

1. What offense has broken your heart or scorched your spirit?

2. Who inflicted your wounds?

3. If you have a ready answer to these questions, then the offense and the offender are still very much on your mind. You know exactly when and how the knife punctured your peace.

4. You know the offense, and perhaps all the details --

a. an insult, harsh words, a betrayal, a business deal turned sour.
b. Is the face of the person constantly before you?

5. Or it is more like a thorn, a persistent, gnawing pain; your heart is heavy.

a. Maybe you feel depressed over it all,
b. Or you seeth inside at times, or you vaccilate between tears and rage.

6. As long as you fail to identify and forgive offenders and the offense,
you will be shackled to your past.

7. Unforgiveness will keep the pain alive, keep it all as an open wound,
and you will never heal.

a. You will go through life feeling just as bad as you do now, or perhaps
worse. . . with no relief in sight.
b. Or you can enter into the alternative,
c. You can forgive the person who hurt you and get on with your life.
d. Forgiveness opens the door and sets you free from your past.

B. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness, resentments, hostilities.
(Col. 3:19; Eph. 5:30-32; Gal. 5:22-23)
1. Bitterness is one of the most devastating sins that can be directly
traced to the failure to forgive. (Bitterness, resentment will spill over
into other relationships.)

2. You become caustic when you continually nurse the wound inflicted
by another person. . . this is true of any of us.

3. It is like malignant cancer for it is malignant thoughts and harassing
memories that eventually distort how you look at life.

4. Anger begets rage for when anger begins to rage, you can easily get
out of control. As your emotions begin to run wild, your mind may do
the same.

5. You doubtless will entertain desperate ideas for revenge. Then even
casual conversations with others becomes your forum for slander,
gossip, and innuendoes against the offender.

C. Unforgiveness gives Satan an open door into your life. (Eph. 4:26,27)

1. The unresolved anger and bitterness which accompanies a failure to
forgive is a welcome mat for demonic activity.

2. Satan (and his demons) will have a foothold in your life!
What is a foothold?

a. It is a point of access and involvement.
b. It is a basis of operation that allows the enemy to advance.
c. We might think of a demonic foothold in the terms of occultic
practice, ritual abuse, etc, BUT --
d. just as real are malignant emotions, attitudes spawned by
unforgiveness inviting demonic activity.

3. This ground of entrance can be granted to the power of darkness by
a continual unforgiving spirit, a habitual life of immorality (lust), or
a life of carnality -- each gives a green light to satan to proceed.
(Eph. 6:10-14)

D. Unforgiveness hinders your fellowship with God.
(Matt. 6:6-15; Mk 11:25-26)



1. The forgiveness from the Father that the Lord Jesus mentions here is
not the initial forgiveness (judicial forgiveness) we receive when we personally place faith in Christ as Savior. (Eph. 1:7; Col. 1:14; Jh 1:12)

2. If your eternal salvation depended on any action of yours after believing
in Christ, then you could never be sure of salvation, and salvation would
be a matter of works.

a. It is not that we are saved by grace through faith, (Eph. 2: 8-9) and
b. then kept saved by our works. (I Pet. 1:5; Jh 6:37; Jh 10:27; Jh 5:24)

3. Your standing (or position) with God depends solely upon what Christ
has already accomplished for you by His death on the cross.
(Rom. 5:8-10)

4. In Matthew six, Christ is speaking about daily items -- daily bread, daily forgiveness from God for ourselves and daily forgiveness from us to others.

5. He is talking about a family matter -- forgiveness concerning daily sins,
a matter of fellowship with Him, and with one another. (Cf John 13)

6. When you sin as a Christian you are to confess your sin to the Lord.
(I Jh. 1:9; Prov. 28:13; Psa. 51; 32:1-5)

7. Since it is a sin not to forgive someone: (Matt. 6:14-15; Mk 11:25-26)

a. your attitude of unforgiveness must be confessed to God as sin,
b. and forsaken as a sin,
c. or you forfeit a measure of fellowship,
d. you forfeit -- a clean heart, a right spirit, and a removal of
guilt concerning the sin (s) you need to confess as a child of
the family of God.
(Psa. 51; Psa. 32:1-5; I Jh. 1:7, 9, cf 2:1-2)


II. WHAT IS TRUE FORGIVENESS LIKE?

• To forgive is to turn the key, open the cell door and let the prisoner free.
• To forgive is to write in large letters across a debt, “Nothing owed!”
• To forgive is to relax a stranglehold on a wrestling opponent.
• To forgive is like smashing a clay pot into a thousand pieces so it can never
be pieced together again.

Don’t think. . .
1. We earn our forgiveness from God by forgiving others, or we
earn our fellowship with God by forgiving others.

2. We never earn anything, merit, or deserve anything from God. Rather, we cannot truly ask forgiveness if our hearts are not right with other people.
3. Are you at odds with God because you do not forgive? As long as you act
as judge of another person. . . God will stand in judgment of you.

Series on Forgiveness!
Number Two

“When Your Heart Screams. . . I Can’t Forgive! ”
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To forgive, or not to forgive, which shall it be? If you have been emotionally wounded by a parent, spouse, child, friend, coworker, or whomever, and you experienced deep emotional hurts --- don’t be surprised. That is normal. Emotions are involved in hurts and in forgiveness.
> God designed your heart to be sensitive to inner pain just as He designed your hand to be sensitive to a hot stove.
> Like the pain sensors in our hands, your inner sensitivity to hurt is an emergency warning system prompting you to do something --- now!
> If you did not have these warning systems, there would be something wrong with you.

I. WHAT OUR EMOTIONS REVEAL! (Eph. 4:31-32; Col. 3:12-14;
II Cor. 4:7-12)

A. How do we “view our emotions” toward those who hurt us?

1. Ignoring or denying how we feel about someone is not healthy, nor
does it please or honor God.

2. Emotions are symptoms that reveal the realities of the heart. . . what is
truly going on within us.

3. Our emotions do reveal our thoughts, and our attitudes.

For example:
a. When I cry, my tears tell me there is either overwhelming
joy or possibly a deep heartache inside.
b. Anger is often the expression of frustration. . .self-willed living. . . selfishness. . . fears. . . selfish agenda, or possibly despair within.
c. Bitterness reveals a sour spirit, an attitude of malice, deepened anger, or possibly anguish that has been etched on the heart.

4. If we deny our emotions, (how we feel about some event, persons, etc.), we will fail to recognize that something serious may be wrong at the very
core of our being.

5. Denying our emotions will never bring us to maturity in Christ.

6. When YOU fail to acknowledge the offense, you will fail to forgive
the offender. You cannot forgive what you have not fully faced.

B. Our emotions, then, force us to examine ourselves in the light of the
Word of God.



1. For example, our ongoing anxiety indicates a heart that has not fully
come to know the peace that surpasses understanding. (Phil. 4:6-7)

2. Outbursts of your anger indicates red-hot frustration, or selfish self- will.
Such reveals our need of the control of the Holy Spirit, who produces
gentleness and self-control. (Gal. 5:22-23)

3. We must come to the place of confronting the pain within, the anger, etc.,

a. If we don’t come to grips with how deeply we hurt, we will never face
our sinful attitudes or come to the decision of forgiving.
b. Forgiveness is out of reach when we are not transparent and honest
with ourselves. (James 3:13-18)
c. When we are unwilling to be transparent with God and ourselves,
we block the very help we need from the Holy Spirit
Who will enable us to forgive. (Jam. 5:16)


II. CHRIST OPENLY OWNED HIS EMOTIONS. . . HE GAVE FULL AND
COMPLETE FORGIVENESS!

A. Christ, in His humanity, was a Person with emotions, but without sin.

1. Having shared our humanity, (Heb. 2:14-18; Phil. 2:5-11). He experienced all our emotions, but without sin. (Heb. 4:14-16; 2:9-15)

2. Jesus became flesh. . . incarnate Deity. . . made like unto His brethren. . . and was in all points tempted like as we are. . . and thus He also knew every kind of emotion. (Heb. 5:7-9)

B. Christ, sharing our humanity, still considered certain emotions (and actions) to be sinful.

1. He said, if we hold on to anger toward a brother, we are subject to
His judgment. (Matt. 5:21-23, vs. 24)

2. He stated that unchecked anger was equivalent to an act of murder.
Such attitudes, emotions, and angry actions come out of unforgiveness.

3. Hatred is another emotion the Savior clearly opposed. (Matt. 5:44)

4. Jesus made it abundantly clear that our ability to love even in the face
of opposition was to be the testimony or mark that we are sons of
the Father in heaven. (Jh 13:34-35; 15:9, 12; I Jh 4:7-12; Rom. 5:5)

a. Christ is not impressed if we love those who already love us.
b. Jesus knew that His followers would be able to love even the
unloving, and in so doing would be perfect or mature, like their
Father in heaven (Matt. 5:43-48). How about us?

c. Christ spoke of this again in John 15:18 as He announced that the
child of God should give love in the face of hate and rejection.

III. THE SOURCE OF OUR SINFUL EMOTIONS!

Where do your emotional responses come from? Why do we react as we do, feel
as we do, and have the attitudes within to which we succumb?

A. Our sin nature within, (unchecked and uncontrolled by the Holy Spirit) will manifest all the sinful emotions that so often bring us to unforgiveness.

1. We have the old nature within (Eph. 4:24; 2:1-3) that does not change when we are saved, and is so often the place where hate, bitterness and anger rule.

2. So often we produce the emotions and actions that are in direct
opposition to how God wants us to live. . . this is the result of walking in
the flesh or in the power of the sin nature and its outworking.
(Gal. 5:15-24)

B. There are emotions that are tied to our sin nature, these include:

1. hatred, 2. jealousy, 3. rage, 4. bitterness,

5. selfish, sinful agendas, 6. an unforgiving spirit,

7. These emotions are real, and as far as God is concerned, they are sinful.

(Gal. 5:20-21) “Whoever hates his brother is in darkness and walks around in the darkness, he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.” (I John 2:11) Hate puts in spiritual darkness!

a. Such sinful emotions lead us into spiritual darkness.
b. Are you walking in spiritual darkness because you have allowed
your anger to evolve into dislike and even deep hatred for a person
whom God says you really ought to love? Do you practice forgiving?

8. What do your emotional responses tell you about yourself?


IV. TO BE IN EMOTIONAL BONDAGE IS A HORRIBLE PLACE TO BE!

A. Bitterness brings emotional bondage. . . and is “anger stretched over time.”

1. God admonished us to not walk in bitterness (Eph. 4:30-31).

2. God is grieved when we allow certain emotions to remain in our lives.

3. What should we do when we have these emotions? We must get rid
of them. HOW? Eph. 4:32. . . “by the practice of kindness, tenderness or compassion, by forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgive us!” (my paraphrase)

4. As far as God is concerned, we do NOT have to be in bondage to
vengeful emotions. We can dispose of them through love and forgiveness.

B. Have you allowed an offense to lodge in your spirit -- so that it has become a spiritual cancer?

1. Does it touch you that unforgiveness will rob you of your happiness,
or even destroy your health?

2. Are you unforgiving, if so, you desperately need to forgive, NOW.

V. RESISTANT EMOTIONS WILL PARALYZE US!

A. Does your heart cry. . . “I don’t want to forgive him!”

1. Anger and hostility from the old nature will spring up and clamor for revenge, what will we do about it? (Rom. 12:19) We can be imprisoned by our feelings, perhaps for a life time. (Vengeance is God’s. . . He will repay!)

2. Let’s be real and admit that if we wait until we feel like forgiving, we may
never forgive. . . or it will take years, or a lifetime to settle our emotions to
the point we are willing, or comfortable enough to forgive.

B. Christ is the example of forgiveness! (I Pet. 2:21-23)

1. He said yes to the Father’s will. . . “Not my will, but thine be done.”
(Lk 22:42)

2. The powerful emotions that caused Jesus to repeatedly ask His Father for another way did not stop our Savior from going to the cross.

3. Forgiveness is not something we can do alone, by ourselves! We don’t
have the power or capacity within us to forgive many difficult things.
We must rely upon the grace of the Great Forgiver manifested through us.

4. Forgiveness will cost you something -- you assume the loss -- you take the hit and agree never to try to get even.


VI. WE MUST GIVE HEARTFELT FORGIVENESS!
Maybe you aren’t experiencing this battle between your emotions and your will. Can you still make a heartfelt decision to forgive when that is what God desires of you?
In the graphic story of Matthew 18:35 Christ teaches us to forgive from the heart.

A. What does it mean to forgive from the heart? (Matt. 18:35)

Forgiving must come from your heart! Jesus means the center of your being, the core of who you are. Your mind, your will, and your emotions are all part of the forgiving moment. When we forgive, the Holy Spirit causes us to confront what happened. . . our mind sees the offense, and the offender. . . our emotions may be stirred by the unpleasant memories, but our will takes control. Will we get angry again, or forgive? Forgiveness must come from the heart!

B. Forgiving someone is not the result of emotional healing. . . rather it is the beginning of it. You work from forgiveness to inner heart healing.

1. You may still need to work through hurts, pain, memories, even inner turmoil may return. Emotional freedom may not be immediate and complete.

2. You may still have to deal with the difficult emotions that come from the
inner hurts brought by the offense (s), but forgive anyway!

3. Our hearts yearn for the peace and joy for which forgiveness lays the
foundation. The emotions that follow heartfelt forgiveness are ones of
release and renewal. (Eph. 4:30-5:2; Col. 3:12-14; I Pet. 3:8-12)

How do you view forgiveness? Do you have a proper view of Biblical forgiveness? What is genuine forgiveness? In order to understand Biblical forgiveness, you will need to be able to identify and reject a number of misconceptions about forgiveness that are rampant in our society and in our Christian culture as well.

Here are common misconceptions about forgiveness you need to avoid.

I. IT IS BETTER TO PLACE BLAME THAN TO FORGIVE!

A. One popular writer teaches -- “you don’t need to forgive.”

1. In her popular book, Toxic Parents, Susan Forward presents what is often
a prevailing attitude toward forgiveness in our culture today. Indeed, her first chapter is entitled... “You Don’t Have to Forgive.”

2. In effect, she teaches that you should blame your parents for your problem; they are guilty, they were toxic; they poisoned you.

a. In this manner people project blame on parents (or any scapegoat).
b. It is easier to castigate parents than to pardon them, especially when
you don’t want to face your own choices.
c. What she teaches runs contrary to the clear Word of God. Ask yourself:

• Is blaming my parents the way to honor them? (Exod 20:12)
• Will blaming my parents help me lead them to Christ? (Jh 13:34-35)
• How would I feel if my children treated me as if I were “toxic” and
blamed me for their problems? (Matt. 7:12)

B. Are we blind to the Word of God, do we accept the word of mere men?
(Col. 2:8) Many people are biblically off in this matter as they blame others.


II. IT IS BETTER TO DENY THE OFFENSE THAN TO FORGIVE THE OFFENDER! (Col. 3:12-14; Eph. 4:32)

A. When one is overwhelmed, or we see no way out, we often lie to ourselves.

1. That’s denial; it offers immediate emotional protection in response to
the hurt and trauma. It will doubtless surface later!

2. When we are overwhelmed, we are tempted to disengage in order to
survive. We act as if the offense never happened. We bury the reality of it all.

3. Are there hurtful incidents in your past that the Holy Spirit has brought
to mind? Do you try to force them out because they are a threat to you?

B. Denial is not forgiveness and it is not healthy nor does it honor Christ.

1. As the Lord brings the painful circumstances of your past to mind,
confront them and in His presence and by His power. . .

2. forgive the one who inflicted your wounds, even the wounds of
sexual molestation, or any hurt you have experienced at the hand of others.


III. FORGIVENESS REQUIRES US TO “CONFRONT” THE OFFENDER!
(Luke 6:37; 11:4; Matt. 6:14-15; 18:21-22, 35; Luke 23:34; Eph. 4:32)

A. Must I always confront the one who wrong me?

1. Is a rebuke required? Must I tell my parents what they did wrong in
raising me before I can agree to forgive them, or set them free?

2. If you are the victim in some assault, are you to face off with your
assailant and let him know he was wrong before offering him a
personal acquittal within your own heart?

3. Did Christ confront any (or all) who sinned against Him? Do you read of
a single time that He confronted those who offended Him? . . . if so, who
was it, and what was the situation?

Was it His own rights or the Father’s rights that He upheld? Truly, the Father’s honor was His great concern!


B. Loving confrontation often may follow forgiveness. . . but it is not required in order for us to clear the books and be at peace!! We must forgive!!

1. Maybe the offender is dead, then what?

2. Maybe the offender is physically incapacitated, then what?

3. Maybe the person lives a great distance away, or you do not know where
they are at this time, then what?

4. Forgiveness does not demand that you communicate with the person.

5. Forgiveness. . . is primarily between you and God, and not just an issue
between you and the offender!


IV. FORGIVING IS NO BIG DEAL!
(Isa. 53; Lk 23:34; Psa. 32:1; Psa. 51; 103:3; Jh 3:15, 17)


Forgiving is a big deal. It demands that I accept all the hurt, the potential of every loss -- the loss of friends, possessions, position, etc. (See II Cor. 11:23-28 -- Paul’s hurts)

For God to forgive and justify us demanded His Son being made sin for us! He literally became the sin offering. (Isa. 53; Lk 23:34; II Cor. 5:31; I Pet. 2:24)

Human forgiveness is always at the cost or price of someone 1) forfeiting their rights, 2) accepting being deeply wronged, 3) often forgiving even though at great loss, 4) and in the face of wishing wrongs could be righted, and 5) they could receive what was their due. Giving Forgiveness is a Big Deal!

A. You can’t forgive halfheartedly -- your mind, heart, and will must be involved.

B. You can’t forgive while you are emotionally disengaged.

C. You can’t reduce forgiveness to a simple nod of the head, or a casual consent or a flippant answer of words.

D. Forgiveness is not a shallow or frivolous thing, or it would void the real meaning.


V. FORGIVENESS ENDORSES THE OFFENSE AND THE OFFENDER!

“But if I forgive him, it’s as if I’m saying that what he did is acceptable,” may be your thought! No way. You are not endorsing the offense when you forgive the offender.

A. How does God work in our lives? (I Jh 1:7, 9; I Cor. 7:1; Psa. 32;
Psa. 51)

1. Does He approve sin? In fact, He hates it, yet He extends forgiveness of sin.

2. When you extend forgiveness, you are not saying that the anger, bitterness, mean-spiritedness, neglect, adultery, the slander, or the harsh words, etc., were right. (Such actions are sinful, wrong, and God may judge or chasten the offender for the offense. See Prov. 3:11-12)

B. Maybe we have a warped idea of what accompanies true forgiveness.

1. When you forgive, you let the offender off the hook, but you don’t
say that it didn’t matter, or that their action was all right.

2. Forgiving does not mean we never mention what happened, nor that we
should act as if it did not happen. Yet, you must not hold on to resentments.

3. True forgiveness does not mean we open the door for repeated episodes of wife beating, drunkenness, promiscuity, physical or sexual abuse, etc.



4. Forgiveness should not be perceived as an invitation that offenders have a
right to continue their destructive behavior. . . especially in the case of addicted offenders. (There are many sinful addictions.)

5. Though we release the person through forgiveness, we must speak the
truth in love about the offense and lovingly seek to bring reconciliation/restoration.
(Another time we will look at times we ought to rebuke, or confront.)
(Gal. 6:1; Eph. 4:15, 25)

Conclusions:

The idea of forgiving someone who has hurt us can be both confusing and controversial. Although it is to be one of the distinguishing marks of a Christian, few of us understand what it means to forgive. (Rom. 12:9-21)
To some, from the human perspective, forgiving another person seems downright dumb. You have been injured, so why shouldn’t you go to the wall to collect what is owed to you? It is the way of the world, isn’t it? It may well be, but is isn’t God’s way.
Why is forgiveness shrouded in so much mystery? Why is it so hard to forgive? Maybe it is because we have a hard time believing God would tell us to do something that seems to be both absurd, impractical or impossible.
Last week we looked at some of the misconceptions that people have embraced about Biblical forgiveness. Let’s get back to some misconceptions many have:


VI. IF YOU TRULY FORGIVE. . . THEN YOU ALSO MUST FORGET THE OFFENSE!

A. Forgiving and forgetting -- sounds great, appealing, but reality is missing. (II Cor. 11:23-27. . Did Paul forget? ; James 3:1-2; Acts 22)

1. We can forgive. . . but let’s be honest, often the offense and hurt is of
such a nature that we truly never forget what happened.

2. Our minds were not designed to forget on command. We just can’t
do that! Only senility or death can bring the loss of memory in some cases.

B. With heartfelt forgiveness and emotional healing. . . we can reach
the point where recall is not painful, for it no longer triggers pain and hurt or resentments.


VII. FORGIVENESS REQUIRES IMMEDIATE RESTORATION OF THE
RELATIONSHIP!

A. God does not expect us to restore a dangerous relationship.

1. We are not expected to act like everything is wonderful and step back into
an abusive situation, for example.

2. David did not seek after restoration with King Saul when the king’s
intent was damage to his person. But I think David’s actions, and
attitudes manifested a forgiving spirit. (I Sam. 19:1-3; 21:10-12;
26:9-11; cf II Sam. 1:11-12)

3. When Paul and Barnabas had their conflict over John Mark, it was years
later before there was reconciliation between Paul and Mark. This does not
mean that Paul had not forgiven, or he held on to wrong feelings!

B. In many cases complete or even partial reconciliation is impossible.

1. You can genuinely forgive without reentering a destructive,
hurtful relationship. It takes a minimum of two people to reconcile.

2. Reconciliation should be sought after if at all possible, but nevertheless
forgiveness should given.


VIII. FORGIVENESS IS A JOURNEY OF MANY STEPS!

Some might say that giving forgiveness is a process which takes time.
Is that what it is? (See Eph. 4:30-32; Col. 3:8-14)

A. God commands us to forgive others! (Matt. 6:8-15)
He offers His forgiveness as a model.

1. Does genuine forgiveness take time or does it take place in a point of time?

2. Is it a process or a decision?

3. We must learn to forgive immediately. . . forgive when the first hurt is
felt. . . do it quickly --- unhesitantly --- immediately.

B. Some may refuse to forgive -- because:

1. There are those who refuse to forgive because they are not emotionally
ready to release their anger, hatred, and desire for revenge.

2. Some find it hard to forgive because their emotions of grudges held,
bitterness, etc. conflict with their decision to forgive.

3. Forgiveness and emotional healing are not the same! Emotional healing
may take time, but the act of forgiveness is a willful decision at a point
of time.


IX. FORGIVENESS REQUIRES EXTENSIVE ANALYSIS OF THE PAST!

A. The past may be involved, but forgiveness must be given. . . even if we don’t know all about the past. (And how can we change the past?)

1. By its very nature forgiveness may involve looking back into the past.
Ideally, it’s the immediate past we deal with, one day at a time.
(Eph. 4:26)

2. Biblical forgiveness is not in the strictest sense an analysis of the past.

3. Keep in mind that forgiveness is not analysis --
a. for analysis looks back in order to learn;
b. forgiveness looks back in order to leave, forgive, and love.
c. Analysis seeks to observe; forgiveness seeks to obey.
d. Analysis asks “why”?; forgiveness releases the “ why” and sets us free from the past.

It is not that we should ignore the past. Wounds suffered in our significant relationships can bring many ongoing hurts and even emotional and spiritual shockwaves that can vibrate for a lifetime if we fail to deal with them in God’s way. And God’s way is through the blessed, sacred exercise of forgiveness.

B. Analysis of the past is wrong, if:

1. By that means we make excuses for our actions and fail to take
responsibility for them.

2. By that means we do not forgive our parents for our problems. . . or our spouses, or children, or boss, etc. . . . for in so doing we have failed to forgive and have forgotten the power of God to change our lives.

3. By looking at the past we are looking for labels, and scapegoats rather
than facing our own lives.

C. Analysis is good, if:

1. By such we are challenged to face sinful emotions, attitudes, actions, and
thoughts of the past that helped bring us to our present situation.

2. By looking at the past we are brought to forgiveness. . . then it is not
merely analysis. . . but growth in discipleship.

3. By considering the past we primarily should work at change, repentance,
and the effect of bringing about restitution and restoration of
broken relationships.

Conclusions:

Series on Forgiveness!
Message Five

“The Essentials of True Forgiveness!”
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• Abuse, hurts and offenses come in many forms and at the hands of many different people.
• We know some of the offenders immediately, while others are faceless, even nameless strangers.
• The motives of our offenders differ, some persons plan to hurt us, some act in
ignorance, and are unaware that their words or actions are hurtful.
• The responses of offenders also vary. . . some acknowledge their wrongs,
others do not.
• Some who offend will commit never to do it again, while others plan to do it
again and again no matter what we say or do.
• And then, we must face the fact, that in life we will be offended and we will
give offense, even though we desire not to do so.


I. WHO SHOULD YOU FORGIVE?

• Just who should be the recipient of the gift of forgiveness?
• Are we to forgive everyone who hurts us?
• What if the offender does not admit to what he did?
• Do we forgive the person who won’t acknowledge his offense, or if someone
hurts us and doesn’t even know it, should we tell him?
• Or should we wait for God to somehow open his eyes?

Our forgiveness is not to be limited by the offender’s response, nor is it to be
extended only to certain violators. It doesn’t matter how the offender responds
after his trespass or how horrible his offense might be. We are to forgive those
who offend us -- period!! How do I know?? God says so!

A. Forgive the faceless, the nameless offender!

1. God calls upon us to forgive, and does not limit our forgiveness only to
the offenders we know, like, our relatives, or friends, or if we feel kindly
disposed to those who hurt us.

2. Forgiveness is to be extended to anyone and everyone who has sinned
against us, even a nameless, faceless stranger who stoops to the level
of the unspeakable. (What about Christians under communism?)

B. Forgive the person who never says, “I’m sorry.”

1. Forgiveness is also to be extended to the person who does not admit to doing wrong.
2. Our forgiveness of others is not contingent on their acknowledgement
or admission of their guilt.



This does make it difficult, for it may be hard to forgive someone who lives in blissful ignorance that we have been wronged, maligned or worse, yet, he just does not care that he has hurt us.

3. We may feel he ought to fall to his knees, beg, plead, and then maybe
we would forgive him.

4. We are to forgive without a confession. That is tough.

5. What are the implications of waiting for repentance on the part of the offending person?

a. Every moment we do not forgive we are at odds with ourselves and God.
b. Bitterness will grow within us.
c. We will remain chained to the painful past.
d. We open the door to the devil.
e. We impair our fellowship with God.
f. Forgiveness is to be our response before God no matter what the
offender’s response might be to us.
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But what about Luke 17:3-4? What does this teach? Prominent Christian teachers assume from the following passage that we should not forgive until the offending person repents. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

1. It says, IF HE REPENTS. . . for maybe he will and maybe he won’t. The point of the verse is not the offender’s repentance, but our readiness to forgive, even if the offense is repeated an infinite number of times by the same person. (Matt. 5:44)

2. This is the only place where Jesus instructs us to rebuke those who offend us. Rebuke is a vital element in our loving endeavor to help the offender stop hurting people. But, as important as it is, rebuke does not necessarily precede or replace forgiveness.

3. The purpose of rebuking is for restoration, etc. (Gal. 6:1) and we will deal with this thoroughly at another time.
___________________________________________________________________

6. Forgiveness is an important aspect of love. (I Cor. 13:4-8). And this is
especially seen in the picture of the Heavenly Father portrayed by the
father who awaited his son, the prodigal son, to return home. Luke 15.

7. (Matt. 5:44) Should we expect an enemy to admit guilt or apologize for an
offense before we forgive him?

Will we wait to give forgiveness? Will you remain chained to the offense
because you are not willing to forgive?

The offender does not hold the key to your freedom, you do,
and that key is forgiveness.

II. WHEN SHOULD WE FORGIVE?

• Your typical day is probably filled with at least several minor offenses.
• Life is filled with frustrations; they harass us, but normally they don’t
devastate us.
• Some may face major affronts and assaults that tend to cripple them inside.

• Life is made up of minor sparks and sometimes major explosions happening
around us each day, how do we respond to them? Are we Biblical in our
response or do we walk in the sinful, flesh nature?

A. Forgive lovingly, immediately. (I Pet. 4:8)

1. Forgiveness should be the lifestyle of the believer. You should let many
wrongs slide off like the “proverbial water off a duck’s back.”

2. I Peter 4:8 says, above all, we are to love each other deeply because love
covers a multitude of sins.

3. Love as expressed, through forgiveness, indeed covers many offenses.

4. Refuse to harbor a grudge or look for a way to strike back. The offense
happened, we forgive, and it’s over and done with. Obedience is the key. Delayed obedience on your part means delayed forgiveness on God’s part.

B. Forgive as the Holy Spirit leads!

1. The Holy Spirit may want to perform spiritual surgery in your life with
the sharp scalpel of forgiveness.

2. If the infection of bitterness has set in... anger... scorn.. contempt... and grudges are held . . . the Spirit wants to cut those out of the life.

3. Will you allow Him to be the surgeon of your soul?

C. Forgive when the offender repents. (Luke 17:3-4)

The admonition is clear. If God works on the heart of the person who injured you and he seeks your forgiveness, give it to him. Ideally you have already forgiven him before God, so when he asks for your forgiveness you are simply expressing verbally what is already in your heart.
The Scripture does not teach us to withhold forgiveness until a person repents. Forgiveness is not contingent on repentance toward us; we are to forgive those who offend us whether they repent or not.


III. WHAT SHOULD YOU FORGIVE?

A. Forgive any wrong against you -- again and again.

Matt. 18:21 -- 22 “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”

1. What about adultery, sexual abuse, divorce, murder, slander, etc.?

2. Many things are like an emotional holocaust that wrecks havoc in the
soul, but we must still forgive.

B. Forgive even the worst offense! (I Cor. 6:9-11; story of the crucifixion)
(Consider Christ’s forgiveness -- -- I Pet. 2:21-24; Isa 53)
Christ suffered the worst of offenses against His Person. How did He respond?

C. Forgive as a canopy of love over wrongs felt and known. (I Peter. 4:8)

1. It is love that covers a multitude of sins.

2. It is through love that we overlook, ignore the little offenses of life;

3. It is by the practice of love (I Cor. 13) that we are able to apply Calvary
Love to the offenses of life. (Eph. 3:18-21)

In Conclusion:

1. Follow Christ’s example; He forgave immediately.

2. Place the matter in God’s hands, agreeing with Him that any vengeance is to
be His, not yours. (Rom. 12:19-21)

3. Rule out procrastination and emotional paralysis.

4. Do not allow yourself to develop negative, sinful habitual responses which
can become character patterns.

5. Give blessing to the offender, not hurt.

6. Open the door for reconciliation with the offender. You must lance the boil of your hurt so healing can take place. . . don’t allow bitterness to fester any longer.

Series on Forgiveness!
Lesson Six

Self Condemnation. . . or Personal Forgiveness?
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Many people know what it means to experience 1) anger and 2) unforgiveness turned inward, 3) they castigate themselves, 4) cut themselves up mentally, 5) hate themselves and basically live an inner life of constant self-condemnation.

In these situations it is bitterness that resides in the dimly lit chamber of the inner aching heart! Some people find it very difficult to ever accept forgiveness from others or from God for many and various reasons. We want to examine some.


I. WHY ARE PEOPLE IMPRISONED BY FEELINGS OF SELF- CONDEMNATION?

A. Some people are down on themselves . . as they live a “shame based life”!

1. They continue in bondage to thoughts and feelings of inner hatred
toward self! They, for years are imprisoned by feelings of self- condemnation.

2. There are a number of warning signals that would indicate if a
person has not forgiven himself (thus, received God’s forgiveness).

a. First, a constant striving for perfection in some facet of the life
and ongoing inner feeling of condemnation because of falling short.
b. They live life trying to prove themselves to someone -- but who?
c. Another mark of self-condemnation is a chronic and crippling
sense of personal guilt in which their conscience constantly
accuses them over seemingly anything, and everything.

B. Some are smothered by a drive for perfectionism!

1. Are you locked in a prison of performance? (Are you under inescapable
pressure to work for God’s approval....condemned to an emotional prison?)

2. Are you constantly attempting to live up to some impossible level of achievement or conduct. . . so you will feel better about yourself.?

3. Do you feel constant pressure to seek God’s approval, “feeling I have got to
make up for my failures somehow!” Do you live in a torture chamber of your making?

4. By believing you can earn God’s favor and forgiveness, you have
sentenced yourself to a life of dismal disappointment. . . it just does
not work that way.

C. And do you live a life of ongoing guilt that does not end?

1. Unresolved guilt is like acid that eats away on an unforgiven person.

2. When the person does not receive God’s forgiveness, for whatever
reason, ongoing guilt will be their daily experience.

3. The pain of guilt becomes a source of misdirected energy. Family and friends probably would describe such a person as driven and compulsive.

4. Activity seems to sooth such people, at least temporarily. They usually try to stay constantly occupied so they don’t have time to think of their condemning thoughts.


II. WHY DO PEOPLE FIND IT SO HARD TO FORGIVE THEMSELVES?

Forgiving oneself is truly a matter of a heart acceptance of God’s forgiveness whereby the person knows that 1) guilt is gone, 2) and the heart clean and a 3) renewed attitude and inner calm spirit takes place. (Psa. 51:10; I Jh 1:7, 9; Heb. 4:1)
Every attempt to escape guilt and self-condemnation by earning forgiveness
will fall short. So why do people keep trying?

Their self-justifying behavior (of self-condemnation) rests on three major mistakes:

• They have a distorted view of their own life;
• They have a distorted view of their past sins;
• They have a distorted view of their present relationship with God.

A. Their view of their personal life is distorted. (As they live a shame based life.)

1. How do these people view themselves? Against whom do they measure
their life as they make judgment about being successful?

2. They usually, first of all, judge themselves by the world’s standards.

a. The world does not see sin as God sees it, but often the worldling views the answer to sin as an expectation of “experiencing a living hell.”
as they would call it.

b. Or the world would discount all guilt as wrong, as if sin did not exist, so
sorrow, repentance, etc., is totally discounted. But sin is a reality and the
person still has his guilt in spite of denying of its existence.

c. How does God look at this? I Sam 16:7 “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” Your heart matters... being free from guilt before God does matter (Prov. 3:11-12; Psa. 32:1-5). The only thing that impresses God is a pure heart. (Prov. 4:23)



3. Secondly, such people are deceived into a distorted self-view
wherein they
imagine themselves to be independent and self-sufficient.

a. This apparent self-sufficiency is really pride.
b. When pride is at work, any failure comes as a shock to us.
c. It is popularly termed -- “low self-esteem” but it is actually pride.
d. They brood over past sin or personal failure. . . really they had expected
sinless perfection from themselves. . . unrealistic expectations, distorted perspective.

B. Their view of sin is distorted.

1. People who walk in self hatred (self-condemnation or twist pride) usually
feel they cannot be forgiven.

2. Self hate precludes that God will not and cannot forgive them. Then they cannot forgive themselves because they believe God has not and
will not forgive them.

What is the unpardonable sin? Name it? Adultery? (Jh 8:11) -- Divorce? (Jh 4:1-26) -- Murder? (then what about Paul, Acts 7) -- Homosexuality? (I Cor. 6:9-11) What about theft, alcoholism, slander, or embezzlement? (Read I Cor. 6:9-11 again.)

Here is the TRUTH about what is ours. . . in Christ Jesus. . . in both salvation and when we thoroughly confess sin as HIS CHILD ! (Eph. 1:7;
I Jh 1:5-2:2)

1. Your sins are beyond reach -- Psa. 103:12

a. God (when we confess sin as His child) forgives and dismisses your sins.
b. His forgiveness separates us from our wrongdoing as far as the east is
from the west -- an incalculable span.
c. Why hold on to that which is out of reach? Why allow the horrible
memories of past sins drag us down?

2. Your sins are out of sight -- Isa. 38:17; (Consider King Hezekiah of Judah)
“ . . . thou has cast my sins behind thy back.”

a. He struggled with pride, he sinned grievously.
b. What sin had produced, God could forgive.
c. Hezekiah repented before God and God forgave him. “I have placed
your sins behind my back,” was God’s message to him.
d. God removed his sin from the record and canceled his death penalty.

3. Your sins have evaporated. Isa. 44:22

a. God sweeps away our offenses like a cloud that quickly passes from
the sky.
b. Just as the sun disperses the morning mist -- so God removes our sins.

4. Your sins are covered. Isa. 43:25; Jere. 31:34; Heb. 8:12

a. God doesn’t remember our sins or count them against us.
b The payment of the blood of Jesus Christ covers all our offenses.
But remember as His child, after salvation, daily cleansing and
renewed fellowship is based on daily confession of sin. (I Jh 1:7,9)
c. Satan, the accuser of the brethren (Rev. 12:10) wants you to think
God is still upset with you though you are forgiven... and judicial
forgiveness means “no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus.”
(Rom. 8:1; 5:1)

5. Your sins have been dumped overboard. Micah 7:19

a. Your sins are buried in the deepest sea.
b. Do you want to dive into the sea to rescue those sins?

6. “Your sins have been sent away.” Jh. 8 How wonderful, how precious His forgiving.

C. Their view of God is distorted.

1, Some never enter into the joy of personal forgiveness because they
do not believe that God is a gracious, forgiving God.

2. Perhaps they have created a view of the Heavenly Father from the image
of their earthly father -- someone who was downright hostile, mean,
angry, unforgiving and demanding.

3. We do deserve Hell, but God has chosen to love us, to provide a way of
salvation for us. He sent His Son to collect our paycheck of death and
then reward us His eternal life instead. (Jh 11:25-26; Jh 5:24; Rom. 6:23 II Pet. 3:9; Jere. 29:11; Jh, 3:16-17; Rom. 8:1; 5:8-10; 8:31-35)


III. HOW CAN PEOPLE COME TO THE PLACE OF EXPERIENCING
GOD’S FORGIVENESS?

The worse the sins of the past, the further people have fallen into wickedness, or
corruption. . . the more difficult it is for the person to accept forgiveness as a reality.

A. Be sure of your salvation.

Be certain of the freedom of forgiveness that comes through salvation in
the finished work of Christ. (Eph. 1:7; Rom. 6:23; Rom. 5:8-12; 8:33-39)

B. Forgive those who have wronged you.

You cannot rid self of self-hatred until you forgive those who have wronged you. If you feel bitter toward self -- look for hidden bitterness toward someone else that you have redirected toward yourself. It is often easier for us to focus our anger, hatred, and bitterness on ourselves than to admit we have these feelings about others.


C. Confess sin, and claim God’s forgiveness.

You can know personal cleansing by confessing any known sin to God. Acknowledge the sin, take God’s side against it (Psa. 51) as you thoroughly deal with the failure.

D. Accept God’s view of yourself.

1. I am a new creation in Christ -- II Cor. 5:17

2. I am a child of God -- Jh 1:12

3. I am God’s handiwork -- Eph. 2:10

4. I am Christ’s friend -- Jh 15:15

5. I am a joint heir with Christ, with eternal inheritance -- Rom. 8:7;
I Pet. 1:4

6. I am reconciled to God -- II Cor. 5:18-19

7. I am one of God’s chosen ones -- Col. 3:12

8. I am a member of God’s royal priesthood -- I Pet. 2:9

9. I am justified -- God has declared me righteous -- Rom. 8:30

10. I am the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit -- I Cor. 6:19-20

11. I am complete in Christ -- Col. 2:10

There are many reasons why people grapple with giving forgiveness and naturally wonder if they ought to confront the offender. Here are some:

• Maybe you are hurt because your husband is married to his job and neglects you and the children.

• Or it could be that a member of your family is putting you through terrible torment because of substance abuse, adulterous living, etc.

• Your child may have deeply hurt you by marrying someone whose lifestyle is diametrically opposed to yours.

• Or perhaps your child didn’t finished college as you’d hoped, and things just aren’t the same between you.

• Do you have a deep wound caused by a family member’s gambling or hateful words?

• Are you crushed because of an unfaithful spouse?

• Does the one you love have a problem with an explosive temper and cutting language, and you and other people are constantly in pain from his or her thoughtless, caustic remarks?

• Or has someone at church or work misjudged your motive and told slanderous lies about you?

The reality of such horrible deeds brings us to another critical question:
Should you confront the person who hurt you, is this biblical?

1. Many Christians have the false concept that forgiveness means allowing offensive behavior to continue undisturbed.

2. Sometimes the right kind of confrontation would have avoided the continuation of the sinful misdeeds.

3. Then also, there are immature and resentful Christians who sometimes claim the Lord’s leading as justification for judgment actions toward others.

4. The Bible teaches us that God desires to lead us in our walk, and we need to
rely on His leading to discern whether or not it is appropriate to confront
a wrongdoer. (See Psalm 23:2-3; Rom. 8:13-14; Gal. 5:15-18; Prov. 3:5-6)


Remember:
Confrontation is not a Scriptural requirement for forgiveness. Trust God
through the Holy Spirit to reveal His perfect will to you about this matter, and then willingly follow His leading. As you seek His guidance, be mindful of the reasons love confronts and also keep in mind the reasons love does not confront.


I. SOME REASONS WHY LOVE CONFRONTS:

A. Confront to help the offender change. (Gal. 6:1; Col. 3:20: Lk 17:1-3)

1. Your confronting must not be a veiled form of vengeance.

2. It must be sincere and from the heart with a genuine desire to help the
person change. (By -- speaking the truth in love -- Eph. 4:15, 25)

3. The aim is repentance... restitution toward those who have been wronged, reconciliation of those involved, so there can truly be restoration.

C. If someone has a serious addiction that threatens his health and safety and health of other people - - - then do something about it.

1. Confront him while there is hope.

2. Confront before it is too late and many have been deeply hurt.

3. The price of waiting may be far greater than stepping out in faith
and gently confronting your wayward friend or relative.

D. Confront in relationships where you are responsible.

1. God may have given you a measure of authority over people, when the
person is under your care, then you have an obligation to confront.

2. A child’s rebellion is an example of an offensive behavior the parent
cannot ignore.
a. In the ancient Israel rebellion was dealt with in the strictest of terms.

b. If a parent was unable to counter the child’s rebellion, the child was
to be stoned to death.

c. Probably, one or two stonings a year did wonders for improving
the behavior of Israelite children in general.

3. In Leviticus 19:17 we have a stern warning for we are told that we are to rebuke the neighbor frankly so we will not share in his guilt.

a. We are responsible for the actions of others, and this passage makes it clear that if we fail to rebuke, we share in the guilt associated with the person’s deeds. (Remember -- people lived close together for life, etc.)

b. We are guilty in idly standing by knowing and doing nothing. The cancer of sin is insidious and will naturally spread. . . and that cancer can be hostility, resentments, bitterness. . . just as much as any immoral act of failure. . . Heb. 12:14-17

E. Confront for the possibility of reconciling the relationship.

1. Confrontation is done in hope for change and restoration when love and friendship have been destroyed (or at least put on hold).

2. You have forgiven the person, but the previous closeness is not there,
and the breach has caused a void that is hindering your complete healing.

3. A loving confrontation may be necessary if reconciliation is to take place
and there are situations where if the person does not change reconciliation
will be virtually impossible.


II. REASONS WHY LOVE SHOULD NOT CONFRONT:

Real love is willing to confront. But real love is also willing to remain silent and avoid an untimely or unwise confrontation, no matter how tempting it may be to speak up and try to straighten things out. God’s Word describes a number of situations in which we should avoid confronting the wrongdoer. In some of them the Lord’s prescription for solving the conflict may come as a surprise to you.

A. Don’t confront if you aren’t certain you are the person to do it.

1. The most obvious case is where the problem or dispute is simply
none of your business. (read -- Prov. 26:17)

2. Often it seems noble and virtuous to intervene in someone else’s
quarrel, but unless you have specific authority to do so, God’s Word says
your involvement is folly. Don’t fall into that trap.

B. Don’t confront if you are uncertain of the facts or haven’t really been wronged.


1. Proverbs 18:13 teaches us that to answer before listening is a folly
and a shame.

2. Don’t rebuke a person for apparent wrongdoing until you are fully
certain of all the facts.

3. Many friendships (relationships) have been destroyed over alleged
offenses that never occurred -- either there was a misunderstanding
or a third party injected disruptive gossip.

C. Don’t confront if it’s more reasonable to overlook the offense.

1. Many offenses are annoying or a burden, but they are simply not worthy
of making a fuss about.

2. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is not to respond at all. Just
overlook and ignore the offense. (I Pet. 4:8 -- cover it with love.)

3. Proverbs 10:12 teaches us that hatred stirs up dissension, but love
covers all kinds of wrongs.

4. You have a perfect right just to forgive and then drop many of the offenses against you without confronting the offender. (Why? - Prov. 17:14)

5. If at all possible, overlook the sins of others, especially sins of the tongue.
(Eccl. 7:20-22)

6. Don’t forget the Word of God teaches us to set aside our own rights for
the benefit of others. (consider Christ in Phil. 2:5-11; Gal. 2:20 “I die daily”)

D. Don’t confront if the consequences of the confrontation outweigh the
offense.

1. Prov. 18:19 teaches us that an offended brother is more unyielding than a
fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.

2. Especially in the home. . . maintaining fellowship and harmony is usually more important than almost any other issue.

3. Is raising a matter really as important as risking splitting the
family apart? (Rom. 12:10, 18-19, 21; 13:10; Prov. 17:1)

a. God says it is better to have but a crust of bread with peace and quiet
than feasting, with strife. (Prov. 17:1)

b. We must consider Rom. 12:10; I Peter 3:8-9; and I Peter 2:19-23.
___________________________________________________________________

Only by spending much time in the Word and prayer -- and being led
by the Holy Spirit will we know when we should confront,
and when we ought to hold our peace.
If we know we must confront -- we had better be sure we know
how to do this in love.
___________________________________________________________
Series on Forgiveness!
Number Eight

“Maintaining a Forgiving Heart ”
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I. After You Forgive -- YOU MUST GUARD YOUR HEART.

A. Proverbs 4:23 teaches us that above all else we are to guard our hearts, for it is the wellspring of life.

1. The Holy Spirit makes this a priority, for our hearts must be guarded
by building a wall of protection against an attack on the very core
of our being. (See Malachi 2:15,16)

2. If you are harassed by sinful emotions, immediately look for ways to
guard your heart. If an encounter with the offender entices you to develop
an unforgiving spirit, then stay away from the person. Give yourself
space and time to anchor you life in the Word of God.

B. Keep your goal of reconciliation in mind.
(View your caution as a short-term need, not a long-term response.)

1. Don’t guard yourself as a form of subtle retaliation.
This means you recognize you need time to stabilize your emotions
to you are better able to safeguard the forgiveness you have already given.

2. Understand the issues.

a. Giving forgiveness does not mean the other person will necessarily
respond in a biblical, forgiving fashion.
b. People who are trapped in sin will probably repeat their sinful actions
reactions, and continue in things that hurt us.
c. Forgiveness frees us to respond in the right way, but the harmful
behavior of the other person may not disappear because we did right.


II. After You Forgive -- EXPECT INNER TURMOIL

A. Why such turmoil?

1. Out old sin nature generates ideas that trigger negative emotions
(Rom. 7:18; Eph. 2:3)

2. Sin within us will challenge every positive response we make toward the
Word of God.

3. We may face a relentless WAR. . . on one side we feel a strong full toward
hatred, discord, fits of rage, dissension, and factions (Gal. 5:19-21). On
the other hand we feel God’s tug (the Holy Spirit at work) toward peace,
patience, kindness, and gentleness. (Gal. 5:22-23)

4. When we forgive, we live according to our Christlike nature and choose
peace. At the same time, the sin nature within us counterattacks with
a strong drive toward resentment and indignation.

B. Who experienced this inner turmoil? (Rom. 7:18-19)

1. The apostle Paul knew such a struggle.

2. This inner strife cannot be reconciled. (Gal. 5:16-17, 24)

3. Your sin nature will desire to get even with the one who hurt you,
while the Holy Spirit wants you to walk in love. . . forgiving even as
Christ forgave you. (Col. 3:13; Eph. 4:32)

4. We could say, “I have a desire to love again, but I cannot carry it out!”

a. disruptive memories are there to harass you,
b. negative thoughts and feelings can overwhelm you,
c. assaults on your mind will take place, compelling you to relive past
offenses that you have already forgiven.
d. The Holy Spirit will aid you, strengthen you, empower you to hold tight to the decision to forgive and love again.

III. After You Forgive. . . STAND YOUR GROUND AGAINST SATAN.

A. Satan, as the master of accusation. . . as the enemy of our souls, will challenge our decision to forgive and rebuild a loving relationship.

1. Satan is the accuser of the brethren -- Rev. 12:10

2. We struggle against Satan, (Eph. 6:12). Satan has his forces, his horde
of fallen angels, or demons.

3. We are in a battle against a Satan-led militia.

a. Satan uses flaming arrows, darts, wiles, etc., to attack us. Eph. 6:16
b. These missiles are often ungodly thoughts directed at our minds
an designed to disrupt us emotionally and spiritually.
c. Satan’s plan is to influence our minds, wills, and emotions.
d. While Satan cannot read our thoughts, he can place ideas into our
minds which are contrary to what God’s Word says.
e. His goal is to mislead us, and to deceive us and he does this with
mind games. Satan used deceptive thoughts to set on fire
negative or sinful thoughts so he can control our actions, decisions, etc.

B. Satan knows that if he can direct our minds he can also control our lives.
(Acts 5:1-11 Ananias and Sapphira) Satan had filled their hearts to lie to
the Holy Spirit.

1. Satan will challenge your decisions to do right.

2. Do you hear his voice, playing mind games, making strong appeals to
your sin nature, this is his strategy.

3. He will work to refill your mind with bitterness, with endless accusations,
and innuendoes. Will you renounce your decision to forgive?

4. Will you allow your negative emotions to get the better of you, to control
you?

C. You can stand against Satan-- Eph. 6:10-18

God has given you the armor and His power. The Holy Spirit is there to
enable you to stand against wrong thinking.


IV. After You Forgive . . . CAPTURE YOUR THOUGHTS.

A. What you think generates how you feel.

1. Ideas to have consequences, your thoughts ultimately determine
your emotions, actions, and reactions.

2. Our thoughts are the source of fountain of our actions and reactions.
(Study the book we offer... “Why Do I Feel As I Feel, and Do As I Do?”)

Series on Forgiveness!
Number Nine

“The Realities of Reconciliation ”
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Reconciliation is not a requirement for forgiveness. It never has been and never will be. Too often our attitude is . . . no reconciliation, then no forgiveness.

The following questions give us some perspective.
1. Once you have forgiven a person, do you always seek to be reconciled?
2. Forgiveness is commanded by God, but what about reconciliation?
3. When you forgive your best friend for gossiping about you, do you open up the secrets of your heart to him again?
4. If you forgive your associate for embezzling company funds, do you resume
the original partnership?
5. You have decided to forgive your ex-mate, but does that mean remarriage
should be your goal?

I. SOME FACTS WE MUST CONSIDER:

A. Forgiveness paves the way for reconciliation. . . but the two are not the same.

1. Forgiveness is like radical surgery -- reconciliation is like unto the
healing after the operation.

2. Forgiveness is canceling the debt -- reconciliation puts the debt-free
lives back together.

3. Forgiveness is a decision to release the person from the wrong --
reconciliation is the effort to rebuilt a relationship.

B. Our attitude toward reconciliation may reveal the sincerity of our forgiveness.

1. If we say an absolute NO to the possibility of resuming a relationship --
we may be harboring resentment that the Holy Spirit wants to purge
from our lives. (Jh 15:1-3; Gal. 5:15-17; Eph. 4:30) Do you hold a grudge?

2. When we forgive another person, we are entrusting that person, and
the relationship to God, with a willingness to reconcile.

3. We must be willing to consider what God desires, and in that process
we will be called upon to die to self. (Gal. 2:20; Phil. 3:4-10;
(I Cor. 15:31 “I die daily!”)

4. There are situations where reconciliation is impossible, in other situations
steady progress can be made toward being reconciled with another.



II. WHAT IS RECONCILIATION? Here is a basic definition:

A. You must become a peacemaker. . . “What will bring healing. . . should be your question”?

1. If you ever want to love again in a pain-scarred relationship, you must
become a peacemaker. (James 3:17-18; Matt. 5:9; Rom. 12:18)

2. Reconciliation begins with establishing a truce that will allow time for
healing and the restoration of the relationship.

3. Life is made up of relationships. . . so how can we get away from desiring
reconciliation and restoration of those relationships given of God?

4. What level of intimacy will YOU ultimately be able to achieve? That is
something only God knows and can determine.

B. What does the Word of God say about reconciliation?

1. In the Scriptures, reconciliation means to “bring into agreement.”

a. Typically it is used to describe relationships where obvious hostility
has been replaced by peace or friendship.
b. Most Bible uses are applied to our relationship with God.
c. We were enemies toward God (Rom. 5:8-11), and the work of Christ
on the cross not only provided forgiveness for our sins, but also we
were reconciled to God. (Eph. 2:1-10)
d. When we placed our faith in Christ, we cease being enemies and
became His beloved children.

2. At least three Bible passages refer to reconciliation between people.

a. (Matt. 5:23-24) The picture is someone coming to the temple to worship, to offer a sacrifice, and realizing that a brother has something against him, he first pursues reconciliation with his brother and then returns to offer his sacrifice.
When an offense is keeping two people apart, they should seek to clear the air and live in harmony because peaceful, loving relationships
honor God. The lack of it greatly dishonors God.
b. (Luke 12:58) Reconciliation should also be pursued when we find
ourselves being taken to court. (read the portion carefully) It is teaching us to try hard to be reconciled rather than to be dragged off to the judge and the judge turn us over to the officer, and the officer throw us into prison.

3. A third passage that deals with reconciliation is found in I Cor. 7:10-11.

a. This relates to marriage. A Christian husband or wife who separates from his/her spouse has one of two choices: remain unmarried or be reconciled to his/her mate. This is very clear.
b. The marriage covenant demands that the relationship keeps changing
for the better -- not toward the worse -- no matter how bad it may be at
any given time. (Rom. 7:1-3; Matt. 19:3-9)


III. AT TIMES WE MUST SEEK PEACE -- WITHOUT RESTORATION:

There are times we can reach a peaceful agreement with an offender, but we should not attempt to reestablish the original relationship. Note: But we must be careful not to use the problems as excuses to avoid the person altogether.

A. Don’t restore a relationship that is sinful.

1. Should a person seek reconciliation with an abusive person, or have an intimate relationship with one who is determined to live an immoral life?

2. Can we restore a relationship that is clearly outside the will of God?
(I Cor. 7:1-2; I Thess. 4:3-8) Sometimes a firm, but gentle severing of
the relationship must take place.

B. Don’t restore a relationship that is marked by physical or extreme
emotional abuse toward you.

1. God does not expect someone to resume a relationship that places them
in harms way. (Prov. 23:9)

2. A battered wife, for example, must approach her husband cautiously and
with outside help. Constraints must be in place, and safety assured.

3. When you have made an honest effort to reestablish a relationship, and
the other person is nothing short of dangerous. . . it is time to pull back.

C. Full reconciliation is impossible when the offender is still hostile.

1. If the person you have forgiven won’t drop his hostility, resentments,
etc., or drop his gloves of opposition, don’t get in the ring with him.

2. It takes two to make, or rebuild a relationship, don’t force the issue.

3. Rom. 12:18 As much as you can, live in peace.

D. Don’t seek to restore a relationship that puts you in spiritual jeopardy and loss.

1. Biblical encouragement to reconcile should always be balanced by
other admonitions to avoid spiritual danger. (I Cor. 15:33) “Bad company
(literally) corrupts good character,” is what God ways.

2, Avoid evil men and women who only appear to be godly. (II Tim. 3:1-5)

3. Entering into intimate relationships with unbelievers is expressly
forbidden by God. (II Cor. 6:11-14)

4. Don’t try to reconcile when your life with Christ will be hurt.
IV. WHEN SHOULD YOU INITIATE RECONCILIATION?

Most of the time, when we have decided to forgive and confront an offender, reconciliation is an open, viable option. But when and how is very important.

A. Do it when the Holy Spirit leads.

1. This must be God-inspired and Spirit-directed. We must remain open
to this possibility no matter how great the offense was.

2. The Holy Spirit is the author of unity between two Christians. (Eph. 4:3)
Only He knows when the offender’s heart is changed, when the time is right,
when we can move toward reconciliation, allow Him to guide you.

B. Do it because you are genuinely concerned about the offender.

1. Your own heart must be right. 2. You must be sincere.

3. You must get your eyes off your own pain and see the hidden pain
of the one who has offended you. Do you hurt for them?

4. Have you been able to pray for this person, seek God’s best for him?

C. Do it when you are emotionally strong, anchored.

1. Are you anchored in the Word, in a love walk with Christ?

2. Are your emotions under the Lord’s control?

3. Are you free from dredging up past offenses, released from your own
pain, and not vulnerable to another offense or a sinful, unforgiving spirit
within or from the other person?

D. Do it, if you have the right attitude.

1. Attempting reconciliation with a bad attitude will never work.

2. What is the correct attitude? (humility, gracious, meek, contrite heart)

3. You can’t force reconciliation on anyone. . . aggressive attempts may
only cause the offender to fall into a pattern of relating to you on a
even more sinful level. Be patient, exhibit the fruit of the Spirit --
(Gal. 5:22-23)

E. Cooperate when the offender takes the initiative.

1. Prayerfully consider the offender’s offer, if it is from an abusive person.

2. Guard your heart, and your emotions, asking the Holy Spirit to guide
you and protect you.


F. Do it when death is imminent.

V. HOW SHOULD YOU INITIATE RECONCILIATION?

A. Consider writing a letter.

1. The way you approach restoring a relationship is absolutely essential
to your success. It does not take much to fan a small flame of anger
or bitterness that still burns in a person’s heart.

2. A sharp word, a defiant gesture, a harsh look is all it takes to resurrect
the pain that has been buried.

3. With these dynamics in mind, you might want your initial step to be
by means of a letter. (If this is difficult for you, or you don’t express
yourself well in a letter. . . then don’t do it.)

4. If you write -- ask for forgiveness, name any wrong you have committed, and express your desire to tear down any emotional and relational walls
between you.

The next step may be. . . a personal encounter.

B. Prepare about a personal encounter.

1. There is no biblical timetable for restoring a relationship.
It apparently took Paul and John Mark many years. (Col. 4:10) Perhaps
Euodia and Syntyche never did come to a point of agreement. (Phil. 4:2)

2. Are you worried about facing that person, having a good meeting, of
protecting your goal for reconciliation? Then . . .

a. Seek agreement on mutual expectations. (both of you set out the
kind of expectations you desire to see fulfilled).
• Define and clarify expectations from both points of view.
• Verbalize your commitments to peace and reconciliation.

b. Consider the providential circumstances.
• Our sovereign God directs for His glory and our good! (Rom. 8:28)
• Recognize that God is in control, expect Him to be at work.
• Allow the Lord to work in your heart, preparing the way,
• not resisting what God is seeking to do, remaining open and looking
at the situation to determine how to respond.

c. Weigh the desires of your heart. (Psa. 37:4-5)
• He will give us the desires of our hearts.
• This truth assumes that our desires are in keeping with His will.
• We must be renewing our minds with God’s Word (Rom. 12:2), yielding our emotions to Him, and be sure our goals fulfill His will.
• It is safe to say that if you are walking in rich and vibrant fellowship
with the Lord, your desire for reconciliation may well reveal His
will for your relationship.

d. Open the door of reconciliation through love. “Love always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (I Cor. 13:4-8)

Copyright 2000, Revival In The Home Ministries #